


obsessive and compulsive

by hellothebrave



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Artist Zayn, Fluff, I made Niall single, M/M, Mental Disorder, More Fluff, Oops, enjoy, lots of ziam, model liam, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 19:00:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellothebrave/pseuds/hellothebrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is the only beautiful thing Zayn has gotten stuck on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	obsessive and compulsive

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the OCD poem which I found so, so beautiful. If you haven't heard it just type in 'OCD poem' on YouTube and it should be there. Hope you enjoy, I apologise in advance for any grammar mistakes I missed.

Zayn had been an odd child from the start. He kept his distance and was interested in art and books instead of football and girls. So, yeah, his parents knew he was different from the start.

It wasn't until Zayn turned nine when his parents started to realise: he was strangely different. At night before he went to bed, he'd stay by the light switch flicking it on and off and counting, " _One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four_." With every flick.

When he came home from school, he'd lock and unlock the door counting, " _One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six_."  
After he ate dinner or finished homework or finished doing anything, they'd find him in the bathroom harshly scrubbing his hands with soap until they were red and sensitive.

He'd sometimes sit while he shut his eyes and flicked his head slightly repeating, "Lock the door, turn off the light, wash my hands. Lock the door, turn off the light, wash my hands. Lock the door, turn off the lights, wash my hands." Or when he drummed his fingers and impatiently tapped his foot more times than necessary.

When Zayn was at school, his parents would receive frantic phone calls from Zayn who had begged the teachers to ring them with him asking, "Are you alright, mum? Is dad with you? Are you both okay? Are you sure? And the girls? They're okay? Are you sure?"

Thinking it was all just a phase, they chose to ignore it. That backfired when Zayn hit his teenage years continued to show these odd behaviours. He often woke up due to anxiety attacks and stumbled out of bed, organising his CDs, clothes, shoes, and anything he could find although he organised them several hours before.

If anyone dared to touch him, his breath would shorten and he would hopelessly scratch at his skin, breaking it and drawing blood whilst trying to scrape away the germs that had migrated onto him.

Finally becoming worried, his mum took him to the doctors where they diagnosed his with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Growing up with OCD wasn't an easy thing. Zayn would constantly be ridiculed and mocked about his constant ticks and small rituals. To make matters worse, classmates would often touch or flick Zayn purposely to see him claw at his skin.

It wasn't until a courageous lad who threatened to, " _Stick a fist so far up your arse it'll give a whole new definition to 'fisting' yourself_." had come and taken Zayn under his wing that the bullying stopped. Louis was Zayn's only friend, but he was soon introduced to Harry in his teen years when Louis began dating him. What's the saying? It's better to have four quarters than one hundred pennies. In this case, Zayn was fine with his two fifty cent pieces.

-

"Hurt like a bitch," Zayn said, lifting up the bandage that covered his arm.

"'Zap!'" Louis read, observing the tattoo closely. "Does this have anything to do with you working in a comic shop?"

Zayn frowned and covered the tattoo once again. "No," he said defensively, "It has to do with the fact that I happen to like comics."

The door to the flat opened and shut as Harry walked in. "Are you tatted too?" Louis stood up to greet Harry with a kiss, "Let me see it."

Harry lifted up his thick jumper, "It's a moth."

Zayn's head ticked, "Lock the door, turn off the lights, wash my hands." he stood up and pushed his ways past the two other boys. He fumbled with the lock, unlocking it then locking it again murmuring, " _One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six_."

When he finished he squeezed his eyes and ticked his head to the side, then looked at Harry. "You told me you were getting the-"

"Shh!" Harry pressed a finger against his own lips, "That's a secret."

"What's a secret?" Louis crossed his arms, "Tell me now or no sex."

"I don't need to be hearing this conversation." Zayn walked into the kitchen, then ticked again, "Wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands-"

He aggressively stomped his foot, trying to signal his mind to _fucking stop_  and ran a hand through his hair slightly tugging it. He let out a breath and quickly went to wash his hands in the sink. He signed and closed his eyes trying not to cry in frustration as his mind kept replaying images he could not suppress.

He walked back into the living room and saw Louis eyeing the fresh swallows on Harry's chest. "Those are more gorgeous now that they're, like, inkified." Zayn said.

"Thanks for designing them, mate." Harry smiled at Zayn. "Means a lot."

"No problem," Zayn grinned and grabbed his backpack that was leaning against the couch, "I have to go catch my art class, I'll see you guys tonight."

"Tacos for dinner?" Harry questioned, bandaging the tattoos again.

"Yes, please." Zayn answered, about to make his way out.

"Did you take your-"

"Yeah, I'll take the other one later." Zayn waved them off, "Bye."

-

"That's a beautiful rose you're working on, Zayn." Zayn's art teacher, Mr. Walkens, looked over Zayn's shoulder.

"Thank you," Zayn smiled and ran his thumb along the paper, "My mate, Harry, wants to get it tattooed cos he likes when I design his tattoos. I drew these sick swallows for him that he got inked on today, they look wicked."

"That's fantastic," Mr. Walkens praised, "You know, we're having an open gallery at the small art gallery down town. You should sign up to have your own station to hang your work."

Zayn bit his lip and scratched a stray mark on his paper, "I'll think about it, I dunno I'm not quite confident enough for that yet. Is that okay? I'm sorry if it's not it's just that I-"

"It's fine! It's fine, honestly, just let me know if you're still interested."

"Definitely, definitely."

-

Zayn fished his key out of his back pocket and unlocked the door, carefully kicking off his shoes so that they were placed in their original spot. He turned and unlocked then locked the door twelve times to make sure it was fully locked.

"Dinners in the kitchen!" Louis called out.

Zayn's stomach rumbled and he made his was towards the kitchen, inhaling the scent of Harry's house famous tacos. "It smells great, I'm starved."

"Thank you." Harry smiled smugly then handed Zayn his tacos when he was seated, "There's the lettuce and the guacamole and tomato, help yourself."

Zayn organised his tacos; beef, then guacamole, then lettuce, then tomato. It's not that like he liked it that way, it's that he _had_ to have it like that.

Any other way would irk him and make his skin crawl and make him feel shaky and like he was running short of breath. Louis said they're called 'Anxiety Attacks', but Zayn thought that's over dramatic. He sort of freaks out when things are out of place, it's not his fault.

It's really not, Zayn wished that he could do things however he wanted without the ticks in his head telling him that he shouldn't do it that way. He wished he could sit down and have a normal conversation with someone without worrying if he locked the door or turned off the lights or washed his hands or turned the stove off or turned the TV off.

He wished he could go out places without having to call Louis, Harry, or his family three times because his mind was playing images of them getting hurt.

He wished he could be in class and have his mind wonder off instead of having horrid accidents play in his head. Sometimes, sexual thoughts would occur and he tried everything in his ability to push them out but his OCD never allowed him to.

He had no control over his mind; he was used to it.

"Zayn," Louis' voice shook Zayn out of his thoughts.

"Hm?" Zayn hummed and brought the taco to his mouth.

"Are you okay? You kinda zoned out."

Zayn wiped his mouth with his napkin and nodded frantically. "I'm sorry I was just thinking about how I wish I didn't have this," he gestured to his head, "thing. I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you, is it okay to think like that? To wish I never had it?"

Louis gave him a sympathetic smile, "Love, you don't have to ask us permission if something is okay or not."

"N-no, I have to or else I don't know if it's okay or not."

"It's okay, Zayn."

"Can I go to bed?"

"You can do whatever you want. Just take your-"

"I will, I will." Zayn got up and took his medication and washed his hands, checked to make sure the door was locked, and made his way to his room.

-

Zayn woke up with the sun gleaming through his window and burning his eyes. He blinked rapidly, then sat up and stretched and made his way out the room. He flicked the lights on and off and on and off twelve times like he usually would and brushed his teeth; sixty seconds on top teeth, sixty seconds on bottom.

He pulled out a Hulk muscle shirt and a pair of dark jeans and a beanie just because he didn't feel like doing his hair.

After finishing, he checked if the door was locked (and locked it twelve times just in case) and washed his hands until they were a harsh red.

"G'morning." Harry yawned as he walked in the kitchen, "D'ya want tea or eggs or something?"

"Nah," Zayn pulled his backpack on and picked up his skateboard, "I have to get to work. Is Lou asleep?"

Harry nodded and pulled out a pan from a cabinet, "Yeah, he'll be awake in a few hours, I suppose. Anyways, be safe at work."

"Always am." Zayn called out and shut the door behind him.

-

Zayn was seated behind the register flipping through a comic. This was usually how work went considering customers were rare, but he didn't mind. It was quite relaxing.

"Hi," a voice sounded from in front of the register. "I was looking for something."

Zayn looked up and was greeted with an attractive lad. "A comic, I suppose." Zayn smirked,

"Yeah, that." the guy smiled and put his hands in his pockets. "Like an Avengers one, my little brother likes them a lot."

"Those are over here." Zayn moved around the counter and to the section that he organised about fifteen times that day. Zayn scanned through the comics and broke the silence, "That's a cool tattoo." he pointed to the dragon on the lads neck.

"Thanks, my mate Danny designed it for me."

"You're kidding, Danny designs my tattoos too."

"Seriously? That's awesome."

Zayn bit his lip. "I'm Zayn."

The lad extended his hand towards Zayn, "Jamie."

Zayn looked at his hand, then looked away. "I don't really do the whole shaking hands thing."

Jamie raised an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

"Yeah, sorry." Zayn's face flushed and he continued to finger through the comics.

"Do you do the whole date thing, then?"

Zayn looked up and smiled, "A bit."

"Am I coming on too strong?"

"Kinda, but you're cute so it's okay."

"Great," Jamie jotted down his number on a gum wrapper he dug from his back pocket and handed it to Zayn. "I'll pick you up at six? Just send me your address."

"Perfect."

-

"Well, well, well." Louis wagged his eyebrows at Zayn, "Our little Zaynie here has found himself a date."

Harry sat down on the sofa next to Louis and looked at Zayn, "Is that true?"

"Maybe." Zayn shrugged but had a smile playing on his face.

"On a scale of one to ten, how cute is he?" Louis sat up straighter, leaning forward for an answer.

"Nine." Zayn said smugly.

"Lucky bastard." Louis grumbled, causing Harry to smack his chest.

"What about me, you tit?"

"You're a twenty to me." Louis pinched Harry's cheeks and kissed him on the forehead, "It's the curls." He stage whispered to Zayn.

"You're lucky I love you or else I would've left you long ago." Harry argued, getting up and making his way to the kitchen.

"Haaaaaaaarry!" Louis dramatically sprawled himself on the couch, "Don't leave me!"

"Shut up or I won't feed you." Harry threatened.

"I should go get ready," Zayn got up and brushed his jeans off.

 

Zayn's phone vibrated with a text from Jamie saying he was outside the flat complex. Zayn said his goodbyes to Louis and Harry, then locked the door twelve times as usual and made his way outside.

"Where are you taking me?" Zayn asked as they walked throughout town.

"Dinner, is that alright?" Jamie looked at Zayn for confirmation.

"Definitely."

Zayn kept his gaze on the ground, avoiding any cracks on the sidewalk. "Are your alright?" Jamie questioned when he noticed Zayn's odd behaviour.

"Um, yeah." Zayn scratched the back of his neck, "I just don't like cracks."

"Ah, I see." Jamie hummed and ignored it until they reached the restaurant.

The waitress guided them to their table and got them their drinks and food and took their orders.

When their food got their, Zayn spent more time organising his food then talking, occasionally giving small hums or a few words.

"Are you okay?" Jamie tried comforting Zayn by grabbing his hand, but he pulled away.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Zayn tapped his fingers on the table in a fast rhythm, other tick he had. "I just don't do dates often, you know?"

"It's fine, I won't bite." Jamie teased. "Anyways, what do you do?"

"I go to uni." Zayn relaxed a bit more, "I'm studying to be an artist."

"That's quite nice," Jamie admitted.

Zayn's ticks continued and he began to fidget with with knife, spoon, and fork, sorting them out in different patterns before finally becoming okay with knife and fork on one side and spook on the other.

He looked up to see Jamie eyeing him curiously, and gave a nervous chuckle.

 

They finished their meals and Jamie had the decency to walk Zayn home. "I had a nice night." Jamie stated, moving closer to Zayn.

"Yeah, me too." Zayn replied, about to walk in, then Jamie leaned in to kiss him and Zayn dodged it.

"Okay," Jamie snapped, "What is with you? You were acting weird when we were walking to the restaurant, you barely even talked to me during dinner, and now you're refusing to kiss me. If you didn't wanna go out, then you didn't have to say yes."

"N-no!" Zayn stuttered, "It's not that, I promise I really like you, I do b-but I have this thing called OCD and I have a lot of ticks, like I can't walk on any cracks and I have to organise my food a certain way before I eat it-"

"You don't have to make bullshit excuses," Jamie rolled his eyes and walked away, "By the way, the fact that you would make up that you had some kind of freaky disorder is pathetic."

Zayn stood there with his chest heaving up and down and tears brimming his eyes.

-

"He hasn't come out all day," Louis and Harry were talking in hush whispers outside Zayn's bedroom door.

"Not even to lock the door?" Zayn heard Harry gasp and Louis sigh.

"Of course he did, idiot." Louis scoffed and the sound of Louis smacking Harry's head slightly sounded.

"Well, do you know what's wrong with him?"

"No, he didn't tell me."

"Go ask."

"No, you."

"No, you."

"I top."

"Excuse me, that has nothing to do with this."

"Yes it does, I'm in charge. Go talk to him."

"You do it or else I'll let you and him starve."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"I hate you sometimes."

"But you love me all the time."

"Touché."

The door opened and closed and what Zayn assumed was Louis padded into the room. "Zayn?"

Zayn buried his head further into his pillow. "I know you're awake."

"Go away, please." Zayn's voice cracked on the last word.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." The side of the bed sunk in as Louis sat. "Tell me."

"I'm a freak." Zayn whispered.

"You are not," Louis insisted, "Why are you saying that?"

"That's what Jamie said." Zayn tried not to sound vulnerable, but failed.

"Wait," Louis paused, "That guy you went on a date with?"

Zayn nodded.

"Harry!" Louis yelled, causing Harry to stumble in, "You know that gun my granddad passed down to me? Will you be a dear and-"

"You're not killing him." Zayn murmured into the covers, "Not soon, at least."

"But-"

"No buts. I'm okay, I just need sometime to get over it."

"That's what you said last time." Harry murmured, "And then-"

"I don't want to be reminded of that." Zayn interjected, "Can you guys just go now?"

Louis and Harry left without another word.

-

"Ladies and gentlemen," Mr. Walkens paced back in forth in front of the art room, "As you know, I am going to he assigning you lot a new project."

Groans chorused through the class, "I know, you're all very excited, thank me later. Anyways, I have decided that I want this project to be a bit different. Therefore, I will be having a model here for the next couple of weeks to pose for you guys. Your task will be to draw him; grasp every detail you see on him and put it into your drawing. Questions?"

A girls hand shot up, "What kind of model?"

"Calvin Klein," Mr. Walkens inspected his nails and continued, "He's new to the model business, so he's not quite popular. Yet."

Another hand shot up, "How do you know him?"

Mr. Walkens gave a smug smile, "He is my wife's nephew."

Soon questions such as, _Is_ _he single?" Does he like Welsh accents? Does he like home cooked meals? Is he cute? Does he have abs? How tall is he?_  were being thrown around the class.

"Silence!" Mr. Walkens put a finger to his lips, "I highly doubt he will be interested in any of you, therefore I will not play matchmaker. Anyways, he will be here tomorrow. Please, for Christ's sake, he is a professional therefore I expect you all to be professional about this. Class dismissed."

Zayn chuckled under his breath as he heard the girls around him scoff in embarrassment. He gathered his sketch books and neatly placed them in his backpack. He then grabbed his skateboard as we walked out if the classroom and left campus.

-

"We bought you food." Louis announced as he walked into the comic shop with Harry in tow. "Alfredo. You're welcome."

Zayn grabbed the bag from Louis and took out the food and began to organise it, just how he like it. "Thank you. What are you guys doing here anyways?"

"We wanted to go out for dinner." Harry shrugged and picked up a comic and skimmed through it, "Decided to be nice and get you some dinner since we know you have a late shift."

"Fanks, again." Zayn said through a mouth full of food.

"How'd your classes go?" Louis hopped on a stool that was seated next to Zayn.

"Pretty good. There's gonna be a model we have to draw in art for the next few weeks, so that's cool. I guess."

"What kind of model?" Harry perked up.

"Calvin Klein." Zayn shrugged as if it were nothing.

"Lord have mercy." Louis mumbled, "Don't give me that look, you know damn well if there was a Calvin Klein model in front of you you would choose him."

"No I wouldn't, I love you too much." Harry argued.

"Go away before I throw up on you both." Zayn grumbled and shooed them away.

-

Art class was hectic. There were girls spraying perfume in the hair and caking their faces in make up as if they didn't look like clowns already. Girls tried to walk in six inch heels, but failed and were stumbling everywhere.

Zayn sat in the corner recording all of this to send to Louis so they could both have a laugh.

"Settle down!" Mr. Walkens yelled, "In your seats, please! Alright, now that I have your attention, I would like to inform you that our model is running a bit late. He should be here in about-"

The door shot opened, "Sorry Uncle Charlie- I mean Mr. Walkens. My schedule got a bit mixed up and I couldn't find the right class."

"It's alright. Everyone, meet Liam."

If Zayn wasn't phased by Liam, he would've noticed his pencil slip off his desk. He would've noticed how many girls gasped and looked hungry for man flesh. He would've noticed how Mr. Walkens rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Except, he was. Everything in his head went quiet. All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing reminders and numbers just disappeared.

All that noticed was the way Liam's crinkles by his eyes were visible even when no emotion was expressed on his face. The small birthmark in the centre of his neck and the angel kisses that scattered around on his skin. The way his tongue would slightly poke out between his teeth when he smirked and how his pink, plump lips quirked into the slightest smile. The way his body was noticeably fit. The small blush that appeared on his cheeks when he heard girls whisper inappropriate things. He was breathtaking.

"Enough drooling," Mr. Walkens interrupted his thoughts, "Get to work."

Liam waved at everyone slightly and went to sit in the stool in the middle of the class room. Zayn continued to gape at him, but quickly adverted his gaze to his paper when his eyes met Liam's.

The task was to capture every single detail into this drawing. Zayn had no idea how to capture such an extraordinary perfection in every possible detail, but he was determined to.

 

-

"How was class?" Louis shoved a piece of pizza in his mouth, talking again although Zayn had no idea what he was saying.

"Talk to me when you're finished chewing." Zayn cringed at the bits of pizza flying from Louis' mouth.

"He asked if the model was sexy." Harry translated.

Colour rose in Zayn's cheeks and he picked the cheese off the sides of the pizza, "He was alright."

"You totally find him hot," Louis stated, "You _like_  him."

"I don't even know him-"

"Zaynie has a cru-ush, Zaynie has a cru-ush, Zaynie has a cru-ush." Louis sang and Harry joined in.

"Can you both shut up?" Zayn snapped, "He is attractive, I'll admit it. I don't have any intentions to be with him. He is a _model_  for Christ sake. He would be downgrading if he dated me."

"Don't you dare say that." Harry smacked Zayn's head, "I don't think you realise how fucking gorgeous you are. Shit, _you_ could be a model."

Zayn shook his head, "Stop saying that to make me feel better."

"If I wasn't with Harry I would totally bang you." Louis added on.

"Too far." Harry glared at Louis.

Zayn stood up, "I'm going to bed." Louis opened his mouth to say something, but Zayn cut him off. "Yes I took my goddamn medication."

Louis sheepishly looked down, "Goodnight, then."

-

Zayn tugged his beanie on as he skated onto campus, waving to a few teachers as he made his way around. He made a quick turn around the corner and forcefully collided with something.

Zayn let out an _oof_ as he landed hard on his bum and his skateboard went rolling away from him. He quickly picked himself up not sparing a glance at whoever he just ran into and scurried to the bathroom, harshly scrubbing his arms and hands trying to make the germs that made his way onto his skin vanish.

He sighed when he realised his skateboard was gone. Oh well, he could always buy a new one.

 

He made his way to art class, slowly clawing at his arms; he didn't draw blood, luckily. Giggles and whispers filled the class, signalling that Liam walked in.

"Excuse me?"

Zayn looked up from under his eyelashes to see Liam standing in front of him. His breath caught in his throat.

"I accidentally ran into you earlier," Liam bit his lip and held up a skateboard, "I'm really sorry about that. Um, you left this when you kinda ran."

Zayn looked at the skateboard, then back at Liam, "You can leave it right there." Zayn nodded at the ground.

"Yeah- um. Right." Liam fumbled over his words and set the skateboard down. "I'm Liam."

"I think everyone knows that." Zayn blurted out causing Liam to chuckle. "I'm Zayn."

Liam smiled, "Hi."

Zayn tried to stop his cheeks from heating up and bit his lip. "Hello."

"Liam, please have a seat. It is difficult for my students to draw you when you're prancing around." Mr. Walkers interrupted.

"Sorry, sir." Liam turned to sit, then look back at Zayn, "I'll see you around.

'Of course you will, we're in the same class for a while.' Zayn thought but grinned at Liam instead and continued to draw.

-

"-he just has really, really nice eyes." Zayn finished, sighing.

Harry and Louis both looked at him with an unreadable expression.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." Louis monotoned.

"You guys are acting weird. I'm going to bed." Zayn slowly got up, suspiciously eyeing them then went to his room.

Maybe he dreamt of warm, brown eyes and a shy smile.

-

The next day Zayn got home from his class and unlocked the door to the flat and slipped in, locking and unlocking the door twelve times.

He turned to see Louis and Harry sitting on the couch facing him with papers in their hands.

"What are you-"

"Zayn this is an intervention." Louis cut him off.

"What even-"

"The first step to an intervention is to admit you have a problem." Louis continued.

"No, that's the second step." Harry whispered, "The first is getting him in the room with us."

"Right, right." Louis nodded his head.

"I do not have a problem." Zayn looked at them with confused eyes.

"That's okay, Zayn denial is the first step to admitting your problem." Harry comforted him.

"You like Liam." Louis insisted, "That is your problem."

"Wha- I do not!" Zayn protested, lightly stomping his foot like a child.

"That's okay, Zayn. Take your time." Harry places the papers on his lap and clasped his hands together.

"Somebody in your art class told us about the sneaky glances between you and Liam." Louis admitted.

"Was it Kath?" Zayn asked, "Cos she sits next to me-"

"No, no." Harry shook his head, "She's too much of a sweetheart to be nosy-"

"-It was El." Louis blurted out.

"That nosy little-"

"That's okay, Zayn. Take your time." Harry repeated.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Zayn questioned, obviously tired and not wanting to put up with Louis or Harry's nonsense.

"It said that's how you should be comforted." Harry shrugged.

"I think I'll begin," Louis cleared his throat and read off the paper, "Zayn, me and Harry both love you near and dear, you're like the child we've always wanted." Harry dramatically clutched his heart, nodding while Louis continued, "We worry that you hide your feelings behind that gorgeous mask of yours and that small pout. We think it's best you realise that you need to realise that you have a crush on a model. That is completely okay, the problem is that you're being stupid-"

"Are you done yet?" Zayn interjected, "Cos I'm tired."

Louis crumbled his paper up, "Well we tried."

-

Zayn poked his tongue out as he tried to evenly shade the side of the rose he was working on. He groaned and erased it for the third time, frustrated that it wasn't turning out how he wanted it to.

"You okay?" Liam leaned back against a desk that was in front of Zayn's.

Zayn pursed his lips, "I can't get the shading right."

Liam leaned over to look at Zayn's paper, "Wow, you draw beautifully."

Zayn hid his blush and ducked his head down, "Thanks."

"I think it looks nice." Liam assured him, "I don't see anything that's wrong with it."

"I'm sort of a, um, perfectionist, I guess you could say." Zayn somewhat told the truth.

"Oh, okay. I see." Liam nodded.

"You really don't." Zayn muttered and started to shade again.

"Is this what you want to do for a living?" Liam broke the silence again, "Like, draw."

Zayn twirled the pencil in his hand and shrugged, "It's the only thing I'm good at."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It's the only thing _I_ think I'm good at."

Liam cocked his head to the side, "You're quite mysterious. I don't know if I should like that, but I do."

Before Zayn could reply, Mr. Walkens yelled out, "Liam, can you just please stay in the one spot your supposed to?"

-

The comic shop was quiet and boring, except for the sound of Zayn organising the comic books again. This is how it usually went: Zayn would grab a stack, count them three times, organise them by alphabetical order, recheck them, count again, and so on. He would do this to every single section of the store and when he was finished he would do it again.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when the bell rang signalling that a customer had arrived. He sighed and counted the stack he was working on one more time then went to go sit behind the counter.

"Zayn?"

Zayn had to suppress the squeak that threatened to escape his throat. "H-hi."

Liam made his way to the counter, propping his elbows on it when he got there. "You didn't tell me you worked here."

"It didn't come up." Zayn answered vaguely. "I didn't know you liked comics."

"Obsessed with them, actually." Liam gave a shy smile, "I'm kinda a nerd when it comes to those sorts of things."

"Favourite Avenger?"

"Iron Man."

"DC?"

"Batman."

"Not bad." Zayn started rapidly tapping his fingers in a _One, Two, Three, FourFive, Six_ rhythm.

"What about you?" Liam asked, leaning closer.

"I like Hulk."

"Any reason why?"

Zayn shrugged, "He's not like the others."

Liam nodded like he understood exactly what Zayn meant.

"Liam, you better be in here cos I've been searching for you arse up and down this damn block." A thick Irish accent filled the store and a tall blonde appeared. "There you are. Who's this?"

"Niall, This is Zayn." Liam gestured towards Zayn and Zayn smiled and gave a small wave.

"Hey!" Niall smiled and pointed a finger at him, "Zayn as is-"

"Really good drawer Zayn!" Liam finished for him, "Yes, this is him."

"Oh so you didn't te-" Niall stopped, "You didn't, um, you didn't tell me that he was um- I'm hungry so, bye." Niall left without a second glance back.

"Sorry," Liam apologised, "He doesn't really talk to anyone outside of me and our agency."

"Model too?" Zayn guessed.

"Yeah," Liam chuckled, "He's also new. I met him at a photoshoot."

"He seems cool."

"He is, really. Fun, too. Very down to earth." Liam scratched the back of his neck, "I should probably get going, though. He doesn't know this side of town that well."

Zayn tried to hide the disappointment on his face, "See you on Monday."

"On Monday. Yes." Liam waved, leaving Zayn with a smile plastered onto his face.

-

"So, Liam stopped by the comic shop." Louis casually cut his chicken in half.

"And you know this because?" Zayn didn't look up from where he was carefully organising his peas and potatoes.

"Connections." Louis smiled and continued eating.

"And the fact that we were spying on you." Harry said as if it were nothing. "But, yeah. Connections too."

Louis flung a spoonful of peas at Harry, "You tit, what part of _Being Secretive_ do you not understand?"

"What part of _privacy_ ' do you both not understand?" Zayn pressed and rolled his eyes.

Harry and Louis looked at each other then down at their plates. "It was his fault." Louis muttered.

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"I'm done with the both of you." Zayn got up, then hauled and went back to the kitchen chanting, " _Wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands_ -"

"Does this mean you like him?" Louis called out.

"Fuck off— _Lock the door, lock the door, lock the door_. . ."

-

The rose was almost completed along with the picture of Liam, but that was something Zayn wasn't really focused on.

"Still drawing the rose?" Liam took a seat next to Zayn and watched his draw.

Zayn nodded his head not looking away for his work.

He felt a fingertip tracing his arm and looked up to see Liam outlining his _ZAP!_ tattoo. "It's nice." Liam smiled and ran his thumb over the letters. "You didn't tell me you had tattoos."

"It didn't come up." Zayn turned his focus back onto the rose.

"What else don't I know about you, Mr. Zayn?"

"A lot of things."

"Like what?"

"I wouldn't want to drive you away."

Liam stayed quite after that, still examining the tattoos that were scattered on Zayn's arm.

"I think this ones my favourite." Liam grabbed Zayn's hand in his and softly traced over the bird tattoo. "It's beautiful. Do you have more?"

Zayn pointed to his chest, "One here," then the back of his neck, "Here," then his hip, "Here," then his leg, "Here," each one of his collar bones, "Here," His ankle, "Here," and finally, both his shoulders, "And here."

Liam's eyes widened, "Wow. I only have three."

"I didn't know you could have tattoos."

"They cover them up during photo shoots. I have four arrows and two quotes."

"If you want I can design you a tattoo."

"Would you really?" Liam beamed, "That would be so sick. Would you ink it on me too?"

Zayn puffed his cheeks out and exhaled, "I've only ever tatted my two mates. I gave Harry an anchor on his outer wrist and my other mate, Louis, a rope on his wrist."

"Does that mean you'll do mine?" Liam waited for Zayn's answer.

Zayn gave in, "If I fuck up your tattoo, it's all on you."

"It's okay, I trust you."

Zayn didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

-

Zayn pulled out a box from his closet, "Harry, could you come here for a second?"

Harry opened Zayn's door and peaked in, "What's up?"

"I finished the picture of the rose tattoo that you wanted." Zayn lit a cigarette and watched the smoke rise up.

"Really? Awesome, thanks."

"Ah, ah." Zayn stopped him and grabbed his tattoo needle out of the box, "Can I ink it for you?"

Harry hesitated, "Sure, I don't see why not."

Zayn grinned around the cigarette, then blew a puff of smoke out, "Perfect. I'll see in the living room in three."

Harry nodded and shut the door, leaving Zayn to organise all his tattooing stuff six times. He grabbed the box and made his way into the living room where Harry was already seated on the sofa.

Zayn washed his hands until they were almost peeling and then washed them a second time just because. He walked back into the living room and took out his tattooing machine and placed the pedal on the floor. He inserted the needle into the small device and secured it, then pressed twice on the pedal making the needle buzz.

He smirked, satisfied with the noise and asked Louis to get him a chair. Pulling on his latex gloves, he sat down and placed the ink bottles in a row from darkest to lightest.

"Colour or no colour," Zayn put out his cigarette and flicked it into the ash tray beside them.

"No colour." Harry pulled his sleeve up and pointed to a place between his elbow and wrist, "I want it here."

Zayn grabbed the rose drawing from his backpack and traced it with a sharpie then cleaned Harry's arm and pressed the outline to Harry's skin. "You know the drill."

"No screaming and/or crying; you can trust me." Harry recited and took a deep breath, "Alright, I'm ready."

Zayn dipped the end of the needle into the black ink and started.

 

"It looks wicked." Harry examined the tattoo, "Seriously. It looks sick. Thank you. "

Zayn counted his ink bottles and carefully set them back in a box, "No problem. Wasn't so bad, was it?"

"No, not as painful as it was last time." Harry turned to face Louis, "Look."

"Sick." Louis breathed.

"C'mere so I can bandage it." Zayn called Harry over and carefully wrapped it in gauze.

"Any reason you decided to tattoo me today." Harry asked.

"I have a customer." Zayn taped the gauze closed, "He's from my art class. He's gonna be coming tomorrow."

"Nice," Louis said, "You gonna be a tattoo artist now."

"I should be," Zayn chuckled and recounted the ink bottles, "I would make tons."

-

The next day Zayn made sure to lock and unlock the door, wash his hands for 120 seconds, and turn the lights on and off eighteen times before Liam arrived.

Two knocks sounded on the door, "Louis," Zayn hissed, "Keep his distracted when I lock the door."

"On it." Louis gave him a thumbs up.

Zayn unlocked the door and opened it, "Hey," he greeted, "Take a seat in the living room."

Liam smiled and nodded, then Louis took it as his cue to begin small talk as Zayn fidgeted with the lock twelve times.

"—you have the body for it after all I mean-"

"I'm Harry." Harry interrupted Louis mid sentence to shake Liam's hand, "His boyfriend."

"I'm Liam." Liam shook Harry's hand.

"Liam." Louis squeaked and looked at Zayn as he walked into the room with his box full of equipment, "Of course, _Liam_. Zayn is tattooing you, _Liam_ from art. _Liam_."

Zayn set the box down and began setting up his mini station, "Why are you saying his name like that?"

"No reason." Louis spun around and grabbed Harry's hand, pulling them both towards the door, "We'd love to stay and chat but, we have to go shopping for cats."

"We have to what?" Harry had confusion written all over his face as Louis tugged him towards the door.

"Cats, darling. Bye now!"

The door slammed shut and Liam looked at Zayn as if to say _What was that?_ and Zayn put his arms up as if to say, _Don't ask me_.

Zayn pulled out a cigarette and looked at Liam, "Can I?"

"By all means, it's your house." Liam waved him off.

Zayn shrugged and blew smoke out, "Do you have the design that you want?"

"Oh! Yeah," Liam fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a folded piece of paper, "Here."

Zayn unfolded the paper and turned it so that it faced the right way. "A feather?"

Liam blushed, "It looked nice."

"No, I'm not judging you." Zayn assured him, "I'm gonna outline it real quick. Where do you want it?"

Liam pointed to his inner arm.

Zayn cleaned the section of his arm and pressed the paper that he had outlined to it, transferring the picture to his skin. "My rules are: No screaming and/or crying; you can trust me."

Liam hummed, "I think I can handle that."

Zayn pressed in the petal twice and dipped the tip of the needle with ink. He pressed it to Liam's skin and began running it along, pulling back and wiping the extra ink off.

"You should be a tattoo artist." Liam piped up.

Zayn cocked his head from side to side, "I've thought about it."

"I'd recommend your shop."

Zayn hummed and carefully wiped Liam's arm again.

Liam continued the conversation, telling Zayn childhood stories and how he got into modelling in the first place (which was when he was at the mall and an agent came up to him and gave him a card with the agency's number on it) and how he met Niall.

Zayn listened to him the whole time; no ticks or horrid images played in his head at all, everything just vanished.

When he was finished he wiped the last of the extra ink off and sat up all the way. "Check it out."

Liam looked at his arm and gasped, "This is- wow. I can't- wow."

"Do you like it?" Zayn nervously drummed his hands in his thigh.

"I love it, thank you" Liam let Zayn put gauze on it and gave him instructions on how to care for it.

When he reached into his back pocket for his wallet, Zayn stopped him.

"It's on the house." Zayn counted the ink containers and organised them again.

"No, I have to pay you somehow." Liam insisted.

"It's fine, seriously."

Liam paused then blurted out in a rush, " _CanItakeyouonadate_?"

"Come again?" Zayn blinked and leaned in closer to try to comprehend what Liam had said.

"I was wondering," Liam cleared his throat, "If I can take you out?"

Zayn stood there in shock, "I said you didn't have to pay me."

"Oh I know." Liam looked down at his shoes, "I just, kinda, like you and sorta wanna take you out. If that's okay, cos if it's not we can forget-"

"Yeah." Zayn tried to focus on his breathing because he was positive he might faint, "Yeah. I would like that. A lot."

-

"You're welcome."

"Why would I be thanking you?" Zayn quirked his eyebrow up at Louis.

"Because," Louis crossed his arms, "If me and Harry didn't leave, he wouldn't have asked you out."

"You're so-" Zayn shook his head and pulled out two shirts from his drawer, "Never mind. Just help me choose: this with a denim jacket or this with a leather jacket?"

Louis tapped his finger on his lip and pointed to the denim jacket, "That, that will have him taking you to the bedroom in a matter of milliseconds."

Zayn frowned and carefully put the other outfit back in its assigned place, "This is a first date. I am not going to sleep with him."

"I know I would." Louis sang as he trotted out the room.

-

Zayn waited outside in the chilly November breeze for Liam to show up. He fumbled through his pocket and took a cigarette out then watched at the tip turned red as he lit it. A very nice black BMW pulled up and Liam stepped out. "Hello. Are you ready?"

Zayn dropped the cigarette to the floor and stepped on it. "Yeah."

Liam made his way to the passenger side of the car and gestured Zayn to follow him. When Zayn did, Liam opened the door for him.

"I see you're a romantic." Zayn teased as he hopped into the car and strapped his seatbelt on.

Liam rushed to the drivers side and got in, "Only if I really like someone."

Zayn blushed and looked down at his hands and started drumming them in the rhythm that comforted him. He was so thankful that Liam chose to drive instead of walk.

-

"–but he did it anyways." Zayn finished telling his story while he organised his food more times than necessary.

Liam's face was red as his laughing calmed down, "Is that really how–"

"–Louis fractured his bum? Yes, unfortunately it is." Zayn chuckled and separating the last of the chicken from the leftover corn and poked at the kernels until they all face the same way.

Liam smiled and crumple his napkin. "I'm about finished. Are you?"

Zayn nodded and sipped his drink. Liam stopped the waiter, asking for the check and Zayn pulled out his wallet.

"No!" Liam smacked Zayn's hand away, "I am paying."

"That isn't fair, I should pay too." Zayn argued, continuing to pull out his wallet.

"Next time." Liam quickly handed his credit card to the waiter and smirked at Zayn who had the words, 'Next time' repeating in his head.

He was praying there would be a 'Next Time.'

-

"Let's go to the park!" Liam suggested, but didn't give Zayn an option as he tugged on his hand and ran towards a lonesome park.

Zayn laughed like mad as he watched Liam run to the playground and climb on. "What are you waiting for?" he called out.

Zayn paused, thinking of all the bacteria and germs that infested the playground equipment. "I don't do jungle gyms."

Liam slid down the slide and made his way back to Zayn. "Fair enough." he said out of breath. He pulled off the hoody that he was wearing and laid it on the ground, then laid on it. Zayn followed.

He laid centimetres away from Liam and could feel his warmth radiating. "I like looking at the stars."

Liam let out a huffed laugh, "I had a feeling you would. Cliche mysterious boy who loves being all philosophy-y. Tell me Zayn, what deep meaning of life do you think stars represent?"

Zayn laughed at smacked Liam's arm. "Shut up."

Silence lingered in the air and Liam turned on his side to face Zayn. "Can I be philosophy-y?"

Zayn turned to face him also, "If you want."

Liam stayed quiet with his eyes searching Zayn's face for any emotion. "You're like a star. All bright and beautiful."

Zayn bit his lip trying to stifle his laughter, "Did you really just-"

"I tried." Liam sighed, "I wanted to compliment you, but I didn't know how. Stars popped into my mind for some reason."

"It was cute." Zayn said trying to make Liam feel better.

Liam smiled and his eyes darted from Zayn's lips to his eyes several times, then he began to lean in.

"I have OCD!" Zayn blurted out, once their lips were almost touching.

"What?" Liam looked at Zayn with a confused look.

"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." Zayn blabbered on, "I have to lock the door twelve times before I leave my flat or when I get back. I have to turn the lights on and off and on and off and on and off fourteen times before I go to bed and whenever I finish locking the door and after that I have to wash my hands four times for one hundred and twenty seconds. I have to organise my food by colour and they can't be touching other foods.

I'm always checking up on people I care about to make sure they're okay cos sometimes I imagine these horrible things and sometimes I imagine sexual things but I swear I don't mean to it just _happens_  I don't have control over my own mind. I'm a freak, I know, you can leave now it's okay I don't mind I understand."

Zayn was sat up, breathing heavily trying not to have a panic attack in front of Liam.

Liam sat up and sat so that his knees were touching Zayn's. "Why would I leave?" he whispered quietly.

"Why wouldn't you?" Zayn asked seriously because, why _would_  Liam stay?

"Cos I like you." Liam began, "And I like when you laugh and when you smile and when you mess up on your words. I like when you're drawing and your tongue slightly pokes out between your lips. You're cute when you're organising your food, I liked that. I like you. Quite a lot."

Zayn froze, unsure of what to say. "So can I kiss you now?" Liam asked.

All Zayn could do was nod as Liam leaned in. Liam's breath hit his lips and Zayn's heart was thudding in his chest.

"Relax." Liam breathed then closed the space between them.

Their lips moulded together in the most perfect way possible and Zayn was positive that kissing Liam would become a tick.

Liam pulled back and nosed at Zayn's cheek then kissed him once again. "Let's go, yeah,? It's quite late."

"Yeah, okay."

\--

Zayn locked the door for the fourteenth time and turned around to find Louis and Harry waiting for him in the living room.

"How did it go?" Louis untangled himself from Harry.

Zayn tried wiping the smile he had off his face, but it stayed.

Louis gasped, "You slept with him, didn't you?"

"No!" Zayn scoffed and rolled his eyes, "This was the first date, for fucks sake."

"You kissed him." Harry chimed in. "I'm not assuming; I know you did."

Zayn ticked his head, " _Turn the lights off, wash my hands. Turn the lights off, wash my hands_ -"

"He totally kissed him."

-

The next day when Zayn arrived to art class, Liam was sat in the seat next to Zayn's.

"Do you want me to move?"

"Why would I want that?" Zayn set his skateboard down and shrugged his backpack off.

"Dunno, I don't want things to be awkward." Liam twisted a pencil in his hand and refused to meet Zayn's eyes.

"Hey," Zayn scooted his chair closer to Liam and rested his chin on Liam's shoulder. "Things aren't awkward. Unless you regret last night-"

"No! No, I don't at all. I just thought that maybe you'd realise you don't like me like _that_."

Zayn tried, he really did, to hold in his laughter.

Liam furrowed his eyebrows, "What?"

"Oh my god," Zayn wiped a tear from his eye, "If anything, I'm terrified that you just asked me out cos you didn't wanna pay for the tattoo."

"Well, first of all, you didn't even let me pay for it. Second, I wanted to ask you out ever since I walked into class and saw you."

Zayn bit his lip, "Shouldn't you be modelling for the class right now?"

Liam hummed and grabbed Zayn's hand, "I'd rather sit and talk with you."

The blush didn't disappear from Zayn's face until the end of class.

-

 

"So, I think we should go on another date." Liam said as he skimmed through a comic book.

Zayn grabbed a stack of comics and counted them then answered, "Is that so?"

"Mhm." Liam hopped off the stool he was sitting on and made his way towards Zayn, "C'mon, it's been two weeks and we haven't had our second date."

"You sound like a girl." Zayn chuckled and sorted out the comics in alphabetical order.

"Pleeeeease" Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn's waist and pressed small kisses to his jaw and neck murmuring, "Please." between kisses.

Zayn squirmed and giggled (yes, fucking giggled), "Alright! Alright."

"Good. We should go to that nice little pub downtown-"

Zayn slumped his shoulders, "I don't do pubs or clubs. Or anything involving people around me."

"Oh," Liam's expression fell, "Right, sorry. My fault."

"No, it's alright."

"How about we have a movie night? At my house. Or yours, I don't mind."

"Louis and Harry are probably gonna want to join if it's at my place."

"You can invite them if you want and I'll invite Niall. It would be like a small get together."

Zayn thought for a moment, "That could be fun, actually."

-

"Pick a goddamn movie already!" Niall threw a hand full of popcorn at the back of Liam's head.

"That's not nice!" Louis scolded and threw a half eating biscuit at Niall, missing him by an inch.

"No throwing food!" Harry held Louis' hand down as he made his way to grab another biscuit.

Liam sat down next to between Zayn and Niall on the couch and leaned towards Zayn. "This seemed like a good idea in my head."

Zayn watched as Louis sprawled himself on the floor, not leaving any room between the TV and the couch making it impossible for Harry to lay down too.

"I know." He replied.

The intro music to Captain America started to sound from the TV and Niall, Harry, and Louis groaned at the same time.

"Not this again." Niall pulled his blanket up higher and buried his face into it.

"I swear I think I have all the lines memorised." Harry muttered and laid himself next to Louis.

"I have not watched it that much times." Zayn and Liam said at the same time.

"Bullshit." Louis argued, "Please pick another movie."

"That's not a superhero one." Harry added.

"Some second date." Liam mumbled and got up to change movies. "Corpse Bride, no arguing this is supposed to be mine and Zayn's date therefore you all obey me- us. You obey us."

 

By the middle of the movie, Niall had drifted asleep and Louis as Harry were almost at that point.

"They're asleep." Liam whispered, nudging Zayn's cheek with his nose.

"I know. What should we do?"

"I have an idea," Liam have a mischievous smile and pressed his lips to Zayn's.

Zayn felt a tug at the bottom of his joggers and opened his eyes.

"No kissing." Louis whispered chucking skittles at them, "That's the only gayness I'll allow you to taste tonight."

Liam look at Zayn with a confused expression, "I don't know." Zayn replied, "Who knows what goes on in that mind."

" _HarryHarryHarryExpertComebackHarryHarrySexualInnuendoHarryFoodHarry_." Liam whispered back sending Zayn into a fit of laughter.

"Harry's trying to sleep you pricks." Louis hissed and wrapped his arms around Harry's limp body and pulled him closer to his chest, "By the way, I think about cats also. Idiots."

-

"Very sorry to announce that today is the last day Liam will be spending with us." Mr. Walkers said followed by a chorus of (mostly girls') "Awh"s. "I know, what a shame. Also, that means your projects should be finished by now, you have had almost a month to complete them. Therefore, you can all hand them in by the end of class."

"Awe"s turned into "Ugh"s and Mr. Walkers rolled his eyes, "No complaining."

Liam made his way to Zayn's desk and hopped onto the table, examining Zayn's current drawing. "Where's the drawing of me?"

"I turned it in a few weeks ago."

"But I didn't get to see it."

Zayn smiled, "Maybe someday you will."

Liam huffed and turned to get off the table and sit on an actual chair.

"So," Zayn began, "What's gonna happen after this?"

"After what?"

"You're, like, gone."

"Quick reminder that I still live in this city," Liam answered, "And that I still quite like you. So, I don't think anything's gonna change other than the fact that you're not gonna see me in this class anymore. Well, unless you're already sick of me. If that's the case, then I guess things will change."

It was a good thing Zayn wasn't sick of him.

-

Zayn sat in his art room as he coloured the walls with spray paint. He removed the mask that was secured on his face to place the blunt in his empty hand between his lips and inhaled the substance. Pursing his lips into an O shape, he blew out small (and quite crooked) rings of smoke. The small CD player in the corner of the room blasted with 100$ Bill by Jay Z.

The beat encompassed the room and with every second beat Zayn sent small smoke rings into the air and re-inhaling them at the last second.

 _Go numb until I can't feel_.

Zayn inhaled a deep breath and slowly drawled it out with his mouth partially opened so that it clouded the air and softly floated in the air. He closed his eyes and let his mind go hazy. He picked up the spray paint can and shook it then coloured in the BatMan symbol he had outlined. The sound of the door opening and shutting caused him to turn around.

"What's up?" He called over the music.

Liam shoved his hands into his basketball short pockets. "Stopped by to say hi, I guess. You didn't tell me you had an art room."

Zayn walked over to the CD player and turned down the volume. "I didn't? Well, yeah. I do. It used to be Louis' room but then him and Harry decided that they'd rather share room even though they were already dating for a few years."

"I like it. It's cool."

"Thanks. You can sit down if you'd like, I'm just doodling."

Liam nodded and took a seat in the middle of the room watching Zayn paint the walls.

Zayn bopped his head to the music and placed the blunt between his lip and turned to change the colour of paint he was using, exhaling as he did so.

"What's that?" Liam asked, pointing to his mouth.

"A- um. Cigarette." Zayn answered and turned back around.

"It looks like-" Liam stayed quiet and Zayn turned to face him, "Weed."

"Do you want me to stop?" Zayn asked, pulling the blunt out from between his lips, "Cos I can."

"No, um, it's just that." Liam fidgeting with his hands. "I've always wanted to try it."

"You can, if you want to." Zayn scratched the back of his neck, I'm not forcing you to. But, if you'd like to, then I could teach you."

"Really?"

"I don't see why not."

Zayn sat in front of Liam and rolled him one. "You gotta inhale it, but not too much. You'll probably start coughing and if you don't get enough air, you'll feel light headed."

Liam nodded and took the fag between his fingers and looked at Zayn for assurance. Zayn nodded at him to continue. He inhaled then began to couch frequently, eyes pooling with tears.

"I'm bad at this." Liam gasped out after catching his breath.

"It's not that your bad, it's that it's your first time. If you try it like three more times you'll get the hang of it."

And Liam did. "Do you think you can teach me some tricks?"

"I dunno if you're ready for that-"

"A simple one, please?"

Zayn sighed and nodded his head. "I'll do the work. Close your eyes."

Liam gave him a certain look.

"Trust me."

The song switched. The beat to Wicked Games filled the room as Zayn took a drag and grabbed Liam's jaw with his thumb clutching one side and the rest of his fingers on the other. He pulled Liam's face towards his and pushed Liam's bottom lip down with his thumb, signalling for him to open his mouth. When he did, Zayn opened his mouth on Liam's and let the smoke pass into Liam's mouth for a second then licked into Liam's mouth just because.

Liam pulled away giggling, "Is everything supposed to feel fuzzy?"

"I guess."

"I like it." Liam pulled the fag from Zayn's hands and took a drag himself, watching the smoke curl in the air.

Zayn laid down and pulled Liam down beside him, passing the fag back and forth. Liam started to giggle every five seconds.

"What?" Zayn drawled out, eyes hazed and droopy.

"I'm getting high with someone really fit." Liam said in between giggled, "This is so _weird_  but I like it. And I like you."

"Good thing I like you too."

"Can we do that thing where you blow smoke into my mouth?"

"Is that like your favourite trick or,"

"No. It just gives me an excuse to snog you."

-

Three banging knocks sounded on the door. "Zayn open this fucking door!"

Zayn buried his head further into Liam's chest. "What time 's it?"

"Nine," Liam slurred placing his phone back down on the floor and hugging Zayn tighter.

"Zayn I swear to god I will break this fucking door!"

Zayn groaned and pulled himself up from the floor and unlocked the handle, "What do you want?"

"I see you introduced Liam to the fun substance of marijuana." Louis said as he spotted the butt of a blunt and Liam on the floor, "And, I'm so sorry that I was fucking worried out of my mind considering I couldn't find you for 13 plus hours."

"Sorry we fell asleep."

"It's whatever, as long as you're both okay." Louis shut the door leaving Zayn and Liam alone again.

Liam was sat up and rubbing his eyes, "I should be going. I have a photo shoot today."

"Alright." Zayn helped Liam up and followed him out of the room. "Wait," he called as Liam was about to leave. A tick sounded in the back of his kind and he pulled Liam forward pressing twenty four chaste kisses to his lips. "Okay, you can go now."

Liam gave him a goofy grin. "That's my favourite tick." Then left.

Zayn did the usual; locked the door, washed his hands, turned the lights on and off, organised the house a bit and so on.

When he got ready for work he could still feel himself floating; Liam made him feel higher than any drug.

-

"You know what I realised?" said Louis as he sat down at the dinner table.

"Hm?" Harry hummed not looking up from his workbook.

"Zayn," Louis turned to Zayn, "How come you don't have to wash your hands after you touch Liam."

Zayn paused because that _was_  a good question. "I- I don't know."

"Weird."

-

" _Forty two, forty three, forty four, forty five_ ," Zayn mumbled under his breath as he counted the magazines one by one.

All of a sudden, Zayn felt his lungs close and his breathing start to shorten. His chest was heaving and his hands were shaking and his stomach was churning and he felt like he was going to pass out within seconds. The walls started to cave in and he could feel things make his way into his body and all he could think of was outoutout as he clawed at his skin trying to rip himself from the feeling. His breathing began to get slower and slower and he felt like he was going to cave in and faint when a familiar voice made his way into his head.

"You're okay, I've got you. It's okay."

Zayn focused on the voice and only the voice and his breathing went back to normal, only a bit shaky and he clung on to Liam.

" _Sorrysorrysorry_ "

"No, no, no. Don't be sorry it's okay I've got you."

"I'm sorry." Zayn kept repeating into Liam's chest because, well, he was sorry.

"Why are you sorry? You shouldn't be."

"I'm sorry that you have to put up with me and this and I'm sorry I'm not normal."

"Hey," Liam said sternly as he forced Zayn's eyes to meet his, "I am blessed to be with you. I am completely and utterly lucky to be the one holding you right now and I am beyond lucky that you chose me out of everyone in the world. If anything, _I'm_  sorry that you deserve the world and all I can give you is myself but I hope that's enough cos I don't think I could ever lose you. Don't apologise, please."

"Where did you even come from?"

"I could ask you the same."

-

Liam took Zayn to his flat and helped him bandage the scrapes he had left on his arm. "Does this always happen?" Liam asked.

Zayn shrugged. "I guess."

"You guess a lot."

"I'm not sure of a lot."

Liam stayed quiet as he wrapped the bandaged around Zayn's arm. "Stay the night?"

"I dunno..."

"We've been dating for almost two months, c'mon."

The word 'boyfriend' was yet to be used by either of them. Zayn was sort of grateful, though because 'boyfriend' meant that Liam could eventually walk out of his life taking a piece of himself with him, and Zayn didn't want that.

"Okay. Fine. I needa call Louis and Harry to check on them so give me a minute, yeah?"

Liam nodded and disappeared into his room. Zayn took a good look at the flat. It was quite big which wasn't a surprise since Liam was a model. It had a big living room with two sofas and an arm chair and a flag screen TV against a wall. The kitchen was in a room next to it and it had a built in dishwasher and a stove with an oven. The counters were marble and grey which matched with the rest of the kitchen. There was a table that say in the living room most likely where Liam ate. Not to mention the master bedroom and three other small ones and an extra room for god knows what that were all connected in a hallway.

"Hello?"

"Hey, you guys doing alright?"

"Yeah, we're fine just baby sitting Lou's daughter. Haz, is she supposed to eat that? Shit, I gotta go I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, bye. Be safe."

The phone disconnected and Zayn turned to see Liam with clothes folded in his arms. "I didn't know if you liked joggers or basketball shorts so I got you both to choose from. Oh, and one of my shirts."

"Thanks." Zayn took the clothes for him and wondered through the narrow hallway then found the bathroom and replaced his clothes with sweats and Liam's black Iron Man shirt that fit him quite loosely as did the joggers.

He stepped out of the bathroom and walked to the living room where Liam was sprawled on the couch watching X-Men. Zayn sat on the end of the couch and turned his gaze to the TV. Liam nudged his thigh with his foot then made grabby hands towards him.

"Closer."

Zayn scooted an inch closer because Liam frustrated was possible the cutest thing ever.

"Closer." Liam huffed and Zayn did the same thing as he did before.

Liam pouted but didn't say anything else. This may or may not have disappointed Zayn just a little. When he focus was completely on the movie, Liam quickly sat up and wrapped his arms around Zayn's waist and pulled him to his chest then laid back down so that Zayn's head was buried into Liam's neck and their legs were tangled together.

"I win." Liam said and pressed a kiss to Zayn's forehead then continued to watch the movie.

Yeah, maybe Zayn was a little gone for him.

-

Zayn woke up to a quite heavy, snoring Liam on top of him. His cheek was smushed on to Zayn's chest and his lips were partly opened and his arms were still securely wrapped around Zayn's waist. Watching him sleep was a very creepy thing to do, but Zayn couldn't stop himself; Liam was still utterly beautiful without even trying.  
For the hell of it, he began to brush his hands through Liam's hair trying to wake him up.

Liam hummed and Zayn stopped. "No. Feels good." Liam mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep.

"I have classes." Zayn said, running his hand through Liam's hair once again.

"Skip today. Stay with me."

"Liam-"

"Shh," Liam pressed his finger to Zayn's lips and buried his head into his neck, his breath tickling. "Talk later. Sleep now."

 

They woke up several hours later to Zayn having another panic attack and frequently locking and unlocking the door, counting under his breath and trying to claw through the bandage on his arm.

" _Lock the door, lock the door, lock the door_." Zayn kept repeating while he shut his eyes and ticked his head.

Liam quickly dug Zayn's phone out from between the couch cushions and dialled Louis' number. "I- I don't know what's wrong he woke up freaking out please help, oh my god, I don't know what to do. . . No, no he's been with me this whole time. . . Bring them now please, hurry!"

Liam tried comforting Zayn, but Zayn was in his own little world, shaking and ticking. Louis arrived five minutes later, "Zayn! Jesus Christ," He dug four bottles of pills out from his pocket, "You're not going to like this," he mumbled then forced a pill from each into Zayn's mouth.

A couple minutes later, Zayn's breathing started to pace and his eyes began to droop shut.

"What did you do?" Liam asked, picking Zayn up and setting him on the couch.

"I gave him his medication, one for his OCD and the other for his anxiety. Another for his depression and a sleeping pill for last so that he could calm down. Hey, don't give me that look, the doctor said that that's what we had to do if this ever happened again."

"Wait, what?"

"It's happened before."

"No, before that. Depression pills?"

Louis sighed, "It's not my place to tell you, but I highly doubt Zayn will. Long story short, the kid's been fucked over way too many times. He trusts people too fast then loses them. And heads up, if you ever break him, you're dead."

"I- I won't I promise."

"No, listen here," Louis gritted his teeth, "Either you stay with him until he gets tired of you or you leave him now if you think you won't be able to handle him in the future. I refuse to let him get bad again."

"I don't have any plans on leaving him." Liam said.

"Good." Louis said and turned to leave.

-

Zayn woke up to a groggy mind and his head on Liam's lap while Liam carded his fingers through Zayn's hair.

"Awake?"

"Mm." Zayn grumbled and pushed his head more towards Liam's hand. "What happened?"

"You, um, fell asleep." Liam said. Then after a long beat of silence, "I got a call."

"About?"

"So, I have a photo shoot scheduled next week and I'll be leaving tomorrow and I won't be back until the Thursday after. Oh, it's in Dublin."

"Dublin?"

"I don't know, babe. That's all they told me. Anyways, I'll be gone for a while, do you think you'll be okay?"

Zayn pursed his lips, "I think I'm manage."

Liam pecked Zayn on the lips, "That's good to hear."

"I know."

-

Liam left the next morning with a suitcase, 24 kisses stolen from Zayn (one for each hour of the day), and a promise that he would return back to Zayn immediately. Zayn left back to his flat with a smile on his face and a new glow on his skin that Louis and Harry rarely saw. Things were actually alright.

 

The Skype call connected, showing Liam's blurry (and shirtless) figure on the screen. "Hmph. It's not the same."

"It's all we got right now." said Zayn. "How's Dublin?"

"Lots of Irish." Liam laughed, "Niall fits right in."

"Figures," Zayn smiled "What about the photo shoots."

"Eh. I take my shirt off, they take pictures. Sometimes they let me keep my shirt on, so that's a plus."

"Lots of hard work comes with modelling, Liam."

"The sarcasm in your voice tells me otherwise." A shout sounded from the room Liam was in, "I have to go to my personal training. Bye I— um, I miss you. A lot."

"I miss you too," Zayn blew a kiss at the camera. "Have fun. See you in two days."

-

The familiar feeling of Zayn's chest tightening returned, causing him to feel as if every breath had been sucked out of his lungs. The room was spinning and there was double everything. His stomach started to churn and his throat closed up, leaving him wheezing and gasping for air as his nails clawed at his stomach rather than his arms. The walls were closing in and everything was getting smaller- smaller- smaller–

". . . It's going to be alright, stay calm, please for me. Think happy thoughts, I'm coming home in four hours, you're excited yeah?"

Zayn felt himself breath a small "Yes,"

"Good, good. Just breathe for me, breathe with me. One," inhale, "Two," exhale, "Three"

Zayn followed the assuring voice, soon becoming calm, only leaving tears trailing down his face. He opened his eyes to see Louis and Harry sitting in front of him with worry in their eyes.

"Okay, thank you so much. . . Yeah, I'll make sure you tell him." Louis said into the phone, "Yes. . . Okay. . . Bye. Thank you, again." he hung up and tossed the phone onto the couch.

"Are you sure you've been taking your medication?" Asked Harry in a small voice.

"Yeah, I have." Zayn answered. "What happened?"

"You were washing your hands and you lost count," Louis explained, "And your hands were so close to basically being skinned, so stupid enough of me, I told you to stop before you hurt yourself. I turned the water off and you– you just freaked out."

"We had to call Liam to calm you down because we couldn't." Added Harry. "It's so weird how only he can pull you away from all this."

Zayn paused, "He is the only beautiful thing I've ever gotten stuck on."

"And how does that make you feel?" Louis asked.

"It scares the shit out of me."

-

Liam came back with his arms opened and several presents for Zayn.

"I know how you like comics so I got you some X-Men and Spider-Man comics. Oh, and this little Darth Vader plush thingy. Look how cute!"

"Liam, you didn't have to."

"I can spoil my boyfriend all I want, thank you very much."

Silence filled the air as Liam's eyes went wide, realising what he said.

"Boyfriend?"

"Um, you can, like, not be my boyfriend if you want." Liam scratched the back of his neck.

"Boyfriend." Zayn said. "You're my boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend. We're boyfriends."

"So, we're boyfriends?"

"I think so."

Zayn parted his lips to speak, but Liam cut him off by pressing his lips to his. Zayn squeaked in surprise, but went with it regardless. Things started to heat up when Liam managed to slip his tongue between Zayn's lips.

Liam pulled back, biting Zayn's lip in the process causing Zayn to groan and his jeans to tighten. Liam quickly attached his lips to Zayn's again and pushed Zayn on the couch and put his knees on either side of Zayn's hips.

All Zayn could think about was two things: One, how he needed Liam to do something, like, now before he came on the spot. And, two, thank god Harry and Louis were out.

Liam paused for a split second, then slowly grinded his hips down on Zayn's, earning a moan.

Zayn pulled Liam down by his neck and slowly sucked a love bite into his collarbone and nipping at it when he finished. Liam's breath shuddered as he kept helplessly rutting against Zayn.

"Off, now." Liam protested, fumbling with Zayn's zipper causing Zayn to kick off his pants in a matter of seconds while Liam followed.

Zayn jerked his hips up then—

"You owe me 20 quid."

"Goddamn it."

"Awe, rutting at its finest. Step one to sex."

Zayn started at Louis and Harry with wide eyes, "What– _GET OUT_."

They flinched and shut the door, mumbling curses. Liam looked at Zayn, and Zayn looked back. Laughter bubbled up in Zayn's chest and he started hysterically laughing as did Liam. He dropped his head on Liam's chest still giggling. "Boyfriend."

 

-

Zayn sat in his room, reorganising random nothings because it was that time of day to do so and his classes for the term had ended. A knock sounded on his door, "Come in!"

"I have an offer." Announced Liam when he walked in, taking a seat next to Zayn.

"What about?"

"Well, you know how I kinda have to travel places because of photo-shoots and such?"

Zayn hummed.

"I kinda need a flat watcher for when I'm gone."

"Okay." Zayn said, "And?"

"Can it be you?" Liam asked, "You're the only person I trust who isn't going to travel with me."

"Um, yeah sure. Just give me the keys next time-"

"Or you can just move in."

Zayn stayed quiet. "Are you asking me to move in?"

"Maybe."

"We've only been together for, like, five months. Would it even be a good idea?"

"Well, I kinda love you and I'm pretty positive I never want to not be with you. So, yeah I'm pretty certain of all this."

"You- what?" Zayn hope he heard right.

"I never wanna not be with you."

"Before that."

"Oh um, I love you? Is that weird-"

"I love you too."

And he did.

-

Liam helped Zayn unpack the rest of his stuff carefully. He carefully shelved Zayn's comic collection next to his own comics and hung up his drawings around the flat. Zayn walked around, switching on and off light switches and washing his hands continuously and locking and unlocking doors (not in that order, of course). When it was time to sleep, Liam hopped on the bed and under the covers, waiting for Zayn to lay down beside him.

Zayn stayed standing, moving towards the light switch and flicking it on and off and on and off and on and off. When he finished he blushed and scrambled into bed next to Liam. "Sorry if that annoys you I have to—"

"I like it." Liam smiled, his eyes closed and his head tucked into Zayn's neck, "When you close your eyes, it's like the days and nights are passing by right in front of you."

"I love you." Zayn said.

"And I love you." Liam replied.

But Liam couldn't possible love Zayn just as much.

-

Weeks passed and Liam and Zayn began to fall into a normal routine. Zayn would leave in the mornings to work part time, kissing Liam's twenty four times before he left (twenty eight if it was a Wednesday.) Zayn would come home late afternoon and do his usual routine and help Liam cook dinner while he took his medication that Liam made sure he took.

Zayn opened the door, unlocking it and locking it like usual. As he made his way to turn off and on the lights then wash his hands, Liam followed him.

"What's up?" Zayn asked, drying his hands.

"So," Liam hugged Zayn and swayed him back and forth, "I have my first fashion show this Friday that I want my beautiful, lovely boyfriend to attend so that he can cheer me on and make me less nervous." he pulled back to look Zayn in the eyes, "Come, please?"

Zayn bit his lip, "Liam, there's people–"

"VIP section is already booked. No people can go near you unless they get passed security. I'll make sure no one lays a hand on you. Please?"

"Fine, fine. Okay."

-

A security guard lead Zayn, Louis, and Harry to a secured area, front row. Zayn took a seat at the far end so he could get a better view of Liam. As the show started, music boomed through speakers and Calvin Klein models began walking. Four models (yes, Zayn counted) passed before Liam. Liam walked smoothly past the model that was exiting. He was dressed in a cream knit jumper with grey trousers and dress shoes. His hands were slightly shaking and Zayn caught his eye and saw Liam instantly relax.

The show continued and Zayn gave Liam encouraging smiled and thumbs up because he did not know how to comfort him. Liam met Zayn out front where loads of interviewers were shoving mics towards Liam.

"Liam, for this being your first year as a Calvin Klein model, how was this show like for you?"

Liam tightened his grip on Zayn's waist and pulled him closer. "It was lovely. I was quite nervous, but it wasn't so bad.

"You have been named the hottest new coming model, how does that make you feel?"

"I'm humbled, to say the least." Liam chuckled, "It's quite mad."

"And who is this next to you? A model friend."

Liam looked at Zayn with a fond expression, "No, not a model. This is my boyfriend who came to keep me from being nervous."

"Any plans for your future?"

"I hope to continue modelling."

They then posed for several pictures which Zayn was not expecting. However, the only thing he was thinking was how weird it all was. Liam was so well known, and Zayn didn't been notice because he didn't know Liam Payne–the sexy Calvin Klein model, he know Liam Payne–the dorky boy he fell in love with.

He was grateful for that.

-

"They want me to go to America." Liam said, picking at the loose thread on his jumper.

"When?" asked Zayn.

"In a week. I have to go for, like, a month."

"A- a month."

"Babe, I'm sorry, it's just-"

"No, I get it. I get it. It's alright."

It really wasn't.

-

If Liam stopped waiting for Zayn when the cracks in the sidewalk bothered him, Zayn pretended he didn't notice. If Liam started sleeping on the couch because the lights flickering on and off bothered him, Zayn acted like it was no big deal. If Liam left to America with only four kisses from Zayn because "he was making him late", Zayn pretended that his flight didn't actually leave until another four hours. If Liam became more distant and quiet during skype calls or when they were on the phone, Zayn told himself it was because he had a long day. If Liam stopped helping Zayn out of his panic attacks, Zayn pretended like he was probably busy.

Zayn lied to himself a lot.

-

Liam called Zayn on Skype with his face full of tears and his breath hitching. "I can't, Zayn. I just can't."

"You can't what? Liam, what's wrong?"

"Us, this. Zayn, I can't I'm so sorry. I can't this was all a mistake, I shouldn't have let you get so attached. Hell, I shouldn't have let myself get attached. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore."

"Liam, no please–"

"I'm sorry." The Skype call ended, leaving Zayn with a heavy chest and the room walls closing in and dizziness filling his head, the sending him into a world of darkness.

-

"What did he do?" Louis whispered, arms around Zayn's trembling body. "Tell us, please, Zayn."

"H-he said we were a mistake."

"He what?" Harry pressed.

"We were a mistake, I shouldn't have gotten so attached– _so attached– so attached– so attached– so attached– so attached_ —" a sob escaped him, cutting his words off. "How can it be a mistake if I don't have to wash my hands after I touch him? Love isn't a mistake."

Harry rubbed his back as he sobbed into the duvet. "Fuck him. Forget that bastard–"

"I can't–" Zayn cringed at the familiar words, then focused himself again, "I can't forget him. All I can think about are the way his mouth curves up when he smiled and the angel kissed that scatter his skin and the crinkles by his eyes– _crinkles by his eyes– crinkles by his eyes– crinkles by his eyes– crinkles by his eyes– crinkles by his eyes– crinkles by his eyes_."

The crinkles by his eyes.

-

Zayn got worse. And worse. And worse. His mind shut down completely, not in the way Liam made it shut down. There was numbness throughout his body and he could not force himself up, no matter what. Louis or Harry would sometimes walk in to find him repeating, "I can't– I can't– I can't–"

Because, he just couldn't.

His medication was the last thing on his mind; depression pills for what? It was all bullshit. Fucking bullshit. Of course Zayn was going to get attached; he was obsessive and compulsive and everything in-between it was written all over him from the start. Liam was the first beautiful thing he got stuck on the first thing that he wanted and needed that didn't scare him but it fucking  _terrified_ him. Now it was all gone.

-

The pills were there. They called him; beckoned him. . He never believed in cliches, but his entire life seemed to flash before his eyes. The ironic part? All he could see was Liam. 

" _Zayn?_ " Liam barged into the bathroom, removing the pills from Zayn's hands and holding him to his chest.

"What are you doing where?" Zayn's voice cracked and the tears began.

"I couldn't leave you, I couldn't." Liam whispered, "I tried, I tried so hard to forget about you because I didn't think I was good enough-"

"But–"

"Hear me out." Liam continued, "I want you to grow up with a settled down family. I want you to grow up with someone who will be by your side every minute and who will be able to spend forever and every second next to you. I can't do that, but I don't anyone else to. I couldn't sleep without the days and nights passing by. I missed the sound of the lock when I was home. I missed the sound of the water running for two minutes. I missed counting twenty four kisses or twenty six when it was Wednesday. But what I missed the most was coming home to the one thing that made me happy." he took a shaking breath, "You. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

This was the only sorry Zayn ever wanted.

 

Five years later

"Go daddy!" Zayn bounced his and Liam's four month old, Arabel, on his knee as Liam walked up and down the catwalk. Liam blew a kiss to them, then headed back.

"Five years and he still has it." Said Louis, "Lucky you, Zayn."

"What about me?" Harry pouted.

"I love you more, darling."

"And me?" asked Macy, Louis and Harry's three year old.

"You too, lovely." Louis smiled and pulled her on to his lap. "Looks like the show ended. Come on, let's go look for Uncle Liam."

Zayn picked up Arabel and carried her towards where Liam was walking towards them. "Wonderful as always." Zayn said, kissing Liam then handing him Arabel.

"Just some questions and we're done." Liam said, adjusting Arabella so that she didn't fall. As usual, microphones were shoved in their faces.

"Is it true that this is your niece?"

"No," Liam laughed, kissing Arabel's head, "She's my- our daughter."

"Any plans for more kids?"

Liam looked at Zayn, "I would like a boy also. That would be nice."

"Zayn, this question is for you."

Zayn tensed up, "Um, okay?"

"How do you feel about Liam's career?"

Zayn paused, "Um, I'm proud of him, you know? I've been here with him every step of the way. I attended his first fashion show as his boyfriend and I'm attending this one as his fiancé, so I think it's a bit mad, to say the least. But I'm hoping I'll attend his last one as his official husband."

"So no plans on leaving him?"

Zayn reached for Liam's hand. "Never."

**Author's Note:**

> don't know how y'all read this its so cheesy but thanks for liking it


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